


demons (a personal memoir)

by crowdick



Series: personal memoirs by ford pines [1]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Its not really depression but it might be idk, M/M, Relationship Study, Smoking, Stan and mama pines and filbrick are mentioned, bad vibes tbh, i have no clue, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 19:00:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4888303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowdick/pseuds/crowdick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you were with him, he showed you things you never could have dreamed of. He took the sadness away from your brittle bones, and replaced it with a sense of excitement and elation. Bill brought a smile to your face. When he left though, it felt like you were alone with all the lesser demons he left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	demons (a personal memoir)

**Author's Note:**

> Bold and italicized text are memories of Ford's.

_When you leave, I feel like I am alone with your demons._

  


_-Crystal Woods_

* * *

  


You knew he was bad for you. You knew you shouldn't adore him, worship the very words he says. Being this close to him will probably ruin you, and you know that. It goes against your logic, against anything you've ever thought. When you were a small child, still small enough to play silly games with your brother ( _The Stan-O-War is still remembered, but it is a symbol of a fragmented relationship to you now. What you could have been, but weren't._ ), you promised him you'd never rely on anyone like your mother relied on your father. 

  


Sometimes, it was like your mother was not her own person. She did what her husband wanted, fulfilling his every whim. ( _ **"Put the kids in the boxing." "Stop lying so much." "Go get a real job."**_ ) She relied on him, through and through. It made you and your brother sick - you two just couldn't grasp how she could **rely** on him so much. He pushed the both of you to extremes; your brother got pushed to be tougher, rougher, faster. You got pushed to be smarter, more logical, a better son. Your father wanted your brother to be as smart as you, and he wanted you to be as strong as your brother. Whatever you did, it wasn't good enough. 

  


Maybe that's why you needed Bill. He helped you feel smarter, like you were able to figure out this big, fancy portal. He made you feel like you were _everything,_ when honestly, you felt like you were nothing. ( _ **When you were younger, you used to make small cuts on your extra finger, used to slash the skin on your thighs, hoping it would make those feelings go away. Sooner or later, you switched over to cigarettes, trying to expel the emotions with the smoke.**_ ) Bill paid attention you in a way that no one else did; he didn't merely nod and make the familiar "mhmmmm" noise that everyone else made. He had actual comments, and he actually understood what you were talking about. 

  


Bill made you feel like you were his world, and soon enough, he became yours. You'd lie awake at night, practically begging him to come invade your mind. Staring at the ceiling was not a fun activity for you, but Bill would always join you. 

  


_**"Welcome back to the mindscape, IQ!" He greeted you, and you knew he'd be smiling if he had a mouth.  
"Hi, Bill." You smiled, glad to hear his voice echoing again. When he called you things like IQ and smart guy, you loved it. It boosted your confidence so much. "Up for some work on that portal? Or are you in a cup-of-tea-and-chess mood?" Bill asked, adjusting his bowtie. He was so small, but he was powerful, and you knew that. Stan would say you had a full blown crush on him. You preferred the term 'Favorite Person' to describe Bill. He was like the sunset to you. He was so beautiful, but so hard to catch.** _

  


Soon enough, you began to feel comfortable around Bill. You'd divulge your darkest secrets to him,telling him about what God you believed in ( ** _"God isn't that cool,Sixer!"_** ), about how your father treated you and Stan ( ** _"He sounds like a real jerk,IQ."_** ), about how you tore your own flesh open in hopes the sadness would leave you when the blood fell too ( ** _"You shouldn't do that to yourself. You've got too big of a brain to ruin your body."_** ). It seemed like he really cared about you. 

  


When you were with him, he showed you things you never could have dreamed of. He took the sadness away from your brittle bones, and replaced it with a sense of excitement and elation. Bill brought a smile to your face. When he left though, it felt like you were alone with all the lesser demons he left behind. You were confronted with the demons of what you could have been,what you are,your failed relationship with your brother. You couldn't handle it. 

  


So you did what you do best. You laid in bed, smoking too much again, praying for Bill to come and give you company. You couldn't handle being alone. Sometimes,you worried on if how much time you spend with him bothered him. If it annoyed him and made him want to leave. Bill didn't seem to be going anywhere though,so you weren't too worried. 

  


You were just grateful to have him around, to be with him and share secrets with him. You loved every second you spent with him. You had his face all over your home; you got it tattoed on your forearm. You couldn't help but hope he found you as _fascinating_ as you found him. 

  


He made you feel like you were everything. 

  


* * *

_Sometimes you wish it would have stayed that way._

**Author's Note:**

> As a sidenote,I am aware that "Favorite Person" is a term used in the bpd community. I have bpd,so the term is not trying to be conveyed in a negative or demeaning way. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the story!


End file.
